The 413 Mom

Oh. Yay. The school fundraiser is due tomorrow.

Oh. Yay. The school fundraiser is due tomorrow. I put if off until the last minute. Again. 

It's not that I don't want to support our schools. I do. I absolutely do. I just always waffle between actually placing an order or just writing out a check to the PTO. 

I have a very hard time overpaying for anything. I have a hard time writing out a check for a magazine subscription for $20 when I can get the same subscription for $8 online. I have a hard time paying $20 for a dozen big pretzels when they cost $2 in my grocer's freezer. I'm a huge fan of Dollar Tree Christmas wrap. Where it costs, you know, $1 per roll? 

And then there's this:

The junky prizes dangled before the kids enticing them to sell, sell, sell! UGH! Also, the fact that they take time out of class to hold the "fundraiser pep rally" where they show off the prize wheel. Where the kids can have a chance at winning dollar store trinkets for selling overpriced pretzels and magazines. Just not sure where the economics lesson is here. 

Maybe if I knew what percentage of the sales actually benefit the school I'd have an easier time placing an order. So....what do you do? Do you buy from the catalogue? Do you write a check? Neither? Is there a better way? I'd love to hear how you work this issue. TIA!

Any other menders out there? #useitup #wearitout #makeitdo

Anyone else out there mend clothes these days? This is my most recent sewing pile. Mending seems like a lost art in our disposable society today. These pajama pants with ripped seams were given new life after a few minutes with my needle. Granted, the pants came from Five Below and therefore cost only $5 but I still felt it was worth my time to fix them up. #1 because Eden loves them, #2 it's really hard to find "fluffy" pajama pants that fit her, #3 it fits into my philosophy of 'use it up, wear it out, make it do,' (I don't really follow the 'do without' part. I usually find a way to make it work.) I can only sew by hand -- sewing machines confound me -- but I love the feeling of fixing something up.

I also enjoy sticking it to the disposable way of life today. I'm stubbornly green in some ways and if I can avoid buying something new, I will. I love this quote from a Salon.com piece published in 2013:

"Although it’s not part of the well-known triad, “repair” partners with “reuse” in the reduce, reuse, recycle hierarchy—and it’s a better option than recycle when it comes to the environment. Why? Because when we repair, we don’t buy new stuff. No matter how “green” it claims to be, manufacturing new stuff almost always requires more energy and materials, and has a greater impact on the environment, than continuing to use something that already exists. Repair also generates less air and water pollution than recycling, leaves behind less hazardous waste, and creates an affordable supply of high-quality goods for those unable to afford new things."

There are so many reasons why it can be worth our time to repair instead of buying new. So, how about you? Do you mend or fix things instead of buying new? I'd love to hear from other old school fixer uppers. 

 

413 Become a Foster Parent

Melissa Ann Rodriguez of Springfield knew she wanted to be a foster parent ever since she was 11 years old and she met a family at church who had welcomed foster children into their hearts and home. 

She finally got her chance a little over a year ago when she was able to welcome her first foster child into her home -- and the experience has been so positive for her family she just wants to shout from the rooftops her good news. But that would be weird. And a little alarming. So, instead, she recently started up a new Facebook group to encourage others in their fostering journey: 413 How to Become a Foster Parent.

"I really just wanted to get the word out that there are so many kids who need safe homes. I would love to see more discussions going on about the needs of kids in care," Rodriguez said.

She also envisioned a place where she can help dispel some of the myths about foster children -- about the stigma and stereotypes of how children who have been removed from their own homes behave. And she would know -- Rodriguez and her husband have had over 20 children in their home in the past year -- some for respite care which requires a short term stay of a few days and some for weeks or months.

"Not any single one of them has been anything but a typical kid dealing with extraordinary circumstances," she said.  "They are no different than any other kids I've ever met -- they're just dealing with hard time. "

Rodriguez was inspired to start this group in her own research to find out how to best help the kids and also to help others who are trying to untangle the web of becoming foster families. She said the need in Western Mass is especially great right now due to the number of children being displaced due to the heroin epidemic that has gripped the area. 

Rodriguez and her husband currently have two foster sons. 

"They're such precious little pumpkins," she said. "The don't want much even though we always try to do fun stuff on the weekends. Most of the kids are just looking for the basics and they just crave being at home. They crave a home cooked meal -- just being a regular kid at home."

She's not naive to the concerns a lot of folks have about accepting a displaced child into their home.

"With some of these children their histories can be unsettling but with the right love, nurturing and attention they have done really well. You just have to find the way the works for them to help them soothe and heal."

Rodriguez also wants families to know that your house does not have to be perfect in order to host a child. She said the foster agency just wants to make sure it is a safe, stable environment. "They are mostly just looking for safety. That there is a working bathroom, that the water is right temperature, that children will have their own room with a closet."

"They are not looking for perfect people. They are just looking for people who are willing to give the kids a safe home and nurture them and help them grow. And the kids really just need to basics -- food, love, attention, safety."

If you're interested in finding out more about welcoming a displaced child into your home Rodriguez hopes you'll join the Facebook group which provides a good jumping off point about how to start the process, and can honestly answer questions from other families who are fostering or in the process of welcoming a child. 

The process can take a long time -- between paperwork, background checks, and home studies -- in most cases it can take 3-6 months to be matched with a child. Once matched, there is a monthly or daily stipend given to the host families to offset the cost of taking care of the kids. And lots of support from the agency who matches a child with a family. Daycare can also be arranged if you work outside the home. 

The point is, there is no magic formula and no specific set of requirements. And there is no limit to how the experience can change your life and the life of a child in need. 

"The kids have been a blessing to me," Rodriguez said. "It is a beautiful experience. Not like the sad stories in the media. I just want people to know that."

You can find the Facebook group here. 

 

Think About It Thursday: The Sweet Spot

In her book on simplifying your life, The Sweet Spot: How to Find Your Groove at Home and Work, Christine Carter, PhD, has many great suggestions on how to scale back your commitments, implement new habits, and rework all of your drudgery-filled "must-dos" into only "want-to-dos." She teaches us how to make changes to create our Sweet Spot to carve out the life we want, not the one we feel chained to.

In the book's introduction she discusses the fact that even though we have created many technological advances that make our daily lives easier, those automated processes have also made it easier for us to think we should be working more, not less:

"Life today is a pressure cooker. Even the most talented -- and privileged -- people are struggling to "balance" relentless work with family commitments, to manage a constant flood of information and emails, to cope with extraordinary stress levels.

"Most people have actually lost time for pleasure compared to our ancestors a hundred year ago -- despite the fact that in the olden days, they had to hand-wash their laundry." 

"This common sense is so widely ignored that overwork -- and the problems with health, happiness, and productivity that it brings -- is epidemic. At the same time that our lives have gotten easier in many ways -- with devices to wash the dishes, learn just about anything, have our groceries delivered -- it has also gotten easier to work more." 

 Although she is speaking here of employment -- working for money -- many of us today are overworked with other types of commitments as well: community work, kids' scheduled activities, social events. So, how to fight the epidemic? Carter suggests:

• Implement daily unplugged times: no computer, phones, or screens of any time to give your self (and your device) time to recharge
• Scale back on commitments: try to make a list of your top five priorities in life and only commit to activities that support these priorities. For example, maintaining your own health, spending more time as a family, helping to feed the hungry, and a professional goal -- and then align your calendar with commitments that help you spend time on these goals.
• Take recess: if you make time for what you love or need (even if this is just a nap) you give yourself a chance to recharge. If you spend even a small amount of time focusing on what you want to do you actually will be more productive while tackling your must-dos. 
• Accept your routines -- so what if you like to eat the same thing for breakfast everyday. Or you like to wear one type of outfit. Or take the same vacation every year. Accept these routines and enjoy them and it will free up more time in your life instead of feeling like you should be doing things the way someone else is doing them. 

These are just a few easy-to-implement ways you can begin to find your sweet spot in life. Small changes add up to big changes. 

 

Think About It Thursday: Where are all the kids hiding?

When we moved to a new neighborhood last year, one of the motivating factors was that the new house was in a "more playable" neighborhood -- quieter streets with sidewalks that were all connected without needing to cross a busy road. I couldn't wait to meet all of the families in the neighborhood! I couldn't wait to have the yard full of kids! I grew up with spontaneous play dates and huge neighborhood games after school. I want my girls to have the same experience.

Except, we've been here over a year now and we haven't met any kids -- despite the fact that we play in the yard daily and we walk to school nearly a mile each way. We haven't had any drop-by play sessions. We've only waved at families as they drive by in their vehicles. The only people we see walking the beautiful sidewalks are older folks with their dogs. 

Where are all the children???

Inside, obviously, on their devices. Or playing Minecraft at a scheduled playdate. Or practicing -- soccer, hockey, dance, art, music, martial arts -- at a scheduled lesson. Because apparently, just playing isn't allowed for kids anymore. It's not good enough. It's not safe enough. Unless you have to drive your kid to whatever the activity is it's just not a worthy use of their time. 

Kids today are so overscheduled and over managed they are not allowed to have any free choice. Because all of this scheduling and managing keeps them "safe," right? Nevermind the fact that they are missing crucial growth steps in how to make friends without moms texting up a play date. Or how to pick teams without an adult advising them. What to do if you discover an injured bird. In essence -- they are missing out on growth opportunities for compassion, fairness, confidence, and responsibility. They are missing out on growing up. How did this happen in just one generation?

Linda Edgecombe sums it up well in her book "Breaking Busy: Finding Peace in the Chaos." She traces this fear factor back to when cable television was introduced in the 1980s and when all of this information (much of it negative) became so much more available: 

With access to "all news, all the time" came all the not so positive or hopeful influx of things that were going on in the world. If we turn on our televisions or browse the web, we are subjected to the news. So let's cut to the chase and be real with who we've become: we've become afraid. 

We live by the "What If?" factor. When we sat around watching four newscasts a day (let alone one!) we started to allow fear to feed how we lived our lives.  And that fear, which had so unconsciously crept in, spread like an out-of-control weed when we, the former freedom kids of the Baby Boomer generation, started having kids of our own. Our kids then started spending way more time inside because those "what ifs" drove us all indoors and we, as parents, felt the need to supervise everything. 

We send our kids to school long before kindergarten because four years old isn't early enough. Our two year olds are learning a second language and taking self defense lessons, just to protect themselves on the playground. And oh yeah, we drove them there and picked them up. 

Fast forward, past the microwave, computer, email, and cell phone to a life of "instant everything." In person and electronically, we are overloaded with the images of what keeps us fearful. It has become our new cultural norm. It's pretty darn hard to be happy when we're scared 24/7. 

I refuse to buy into this fear factor. I refuse to let my girls be scheduled 24/7 in order to "save" them. They need to learn to make their own choices, find their own entertainment, make friends the old-fashioned way. We will continue to see out like-minded families who feel that play is important. And just for the record, our hood is not unfriendly. We have met some beautiful neighbors who love to interact with our girls. It's just that they are about 50 years too old to be interested in coming over to play Winx in the yard. Or check out our swingset. Or let popsicles melt all over the porch. However, whenever we do encounter our neighbors, they always make sure to tell me how happy they are to see our children in the neighborhood. How refreshing it is to hear us play in the yard. Because these are sights and sounds that they miss in their lives today.

But I'm not giving up. We'll keep searching. I hope you will too. 

Think About It Thursday: Eating Disorders Awareness

I had the privilege earlier this week of attending a presentation by Amy Mendrala of Lisa's Light Of Hope, a local organization who's mission is "bringing eating disorders out of the darkness." The presentation made me realize the breadth of these diseases.

According to the National Eating Disorders Association, Eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental disorder and 30 million Americans will suffer from an eating disorder at some point in their life.

Eating disorders (EDs) are real, complex medical and psychiatric illnesses that can have serious consequences for health, productivity and relationships. They are caused by both genetic and environmental factors. EDs are bio-psycho-social diseases; they are not a fad, phase or lifestyle choice.

As this week marks National Eating Disorders Awareness Week, I want to list the symptoms of what to watch for, as noted in the NEDA's Recognizing Symptoms in Patients Guide:

• In general, behaviors and attitudes indicating that weight loss, dieting and control of food are becoming primary concerns.
• Evidence of binge eating, including disappearance of large amounts of food in short periods of time or finding wrappers and containers indicating the consumption of large amounts of food.
• Evidence of purging behaviors, including frequent trips to the bathroom after meals, signs and/or smells of vomiting or presence of wrappers or packages of laxatives or diuretics.
• Excessive, rigid exercise regimen—despite weather, fatigue, illness or injury, the compulsive need to “burn off” calories taken in.
• Withdrawal from usual friends and activities.

 

If you know of someone who may need treatment for an Eating Disorder, please don't wait -- you can call the NEDA Helpline at 1-800-931-2237 or visit the NEDA homepage and anonymously click to chat. 

You can find out more about Lisa's Light of Hope here or on their Facebook page. 

Think About it Thursday: Happiness is Love

Have you heard of the Grant Study? It's the longest-running study of human development. A Harvard-funded project which followed over 250 subjects (all men, all Harvard grads) for 75 years to trying to answer the question, "What it takes to live a happy life." (You can read more about it here.)

What does such a long-term, expensive study reveal? That it's not money, power, fame or IQ that makes us happiest. It's close relationships. 

From wikipedia: [the] main conclusion is that "warmth of relationships throughout life have the greatest positive impact on 'life satisfaction'". Put differently,...the study shows: "Happiness is love. Full stop."

DUH! Right? It doesn't matter how much money we have if we don't have anyone to share it with. Who cares if you're top dog at the office if you go home to an empty house. And these findings do not just refer to romantic love. All types of close relationships contribute to happiness. This study provides an important reminder to return that call, get that lunch date on the calendar, turn off the TV and read a book with your kids.  Make time for your family and friends. They hold the secret to your happiness. 

Think About It Thursday: New Dietary Guidelines

Did you hear we Americans have new Nutritional Guidelines recommended by our government? I rolled my eyes at that one. Like I really need the politicians telling me how to feed myself and my family. Surprisingly, I liked what I read. There is some solid advice in these guidelines -- I guess what you would call "common sense." (But as we all know, common sense is not all that common). The highlights:

Here's a breakdown of the Top 10 Things You Need to Know about the 2015-2020 Nutritional Guidelines for Americans.

The Executive Summary of the new guidelines from health.org (Surprisingly reader-friendly. Worth a gander).

If you're really hardcore, here is a link to the USDA's complete report on the new guidelines. 

I also enjoyed this breakdown article from the NY Times. 

It all breaks down to these thoughts: choose wisely and know that little changes add up to big changes. Thanks, Washington!

(Graphic courtesy health.gov)

Think About It Thursday: The Cost of Clutter

Having a cluttered life is not just about having too much stuff around, the cost of clutter can often bring us down in many different ways. Once you commit to clearing the clutter out of your home you will begin to see how your finances, health, and mental well-being can improve. 

• Is your house too messy and full of stuff that you feel you can't entertain? Constantly having to meet friends "out" for dinner instead of inviting folks over, or always having to hire out a venue for your kids' birthday parties gets expensive. If you clear out the clutter and make your living space more manageable you can save a lot of money by using your home for social events, rather than always paying to entertain elsewhere.
• Do  you actually not even like being at home because there is so much mess and clutter? If you clear out the mess, you can begin to enjoy being home. Not to mention you'll be protecting and enjoying your biggest asset. 
• Do you have things in your home that you don't love but that you keep out of a sense of guilt? You spent so much money on that stand mixer but you really don't like to bake. You really hate that painting that belonged to Grandma, but it was the last thing she ever gave to you so you feel like you have to display it. Guilt is not healthy. Get rid of whatever is bringing you down. I guarantee somebody else would love to put that stand mixer to good use or to display that painting. Take the guilt in turn it into something positive by letting go. 
• Do you have a storage unit that you rent monthly? Is it really necessary? What happens when you think about not having to deal with all the stuff inside (or the monthly fee) anymore. If the thought of being free of the storage unit makes you happy, get rid of it and all the stuff inside. 
• Do other people give you things that you don't want but you feel like you have to take them? Hand-me-down clothes, housewares, toys. I usually always say "yes" if someone offers me something, because I feel badly saying no. I mean, it was nice of them to think of me. And also, if they are trying to clear out some of their own clutter, I'm happy to assist. But just because I take it doesn't mean I have to keep it. If once I accept it I decide it is not useful, it goes right to the donation center. 
• Being so busy that there is never enough time to relax or focus on things you really enjoy is another form of clutter. Is your life too full of commitments? Do you have so many things you "have to do" that there is not much time left for what you "want to do"? Are you overcommitted at work? School? Church? Are you the go-to babysitter for friends who don't reciprocate? Are you the family member who always gets called for a ride to the doctor even though others can and should share in the responsibility? It's nice to be nice, but when that comes at the cost of your own well-being you've got to cut back. Learn how to say no. It's perfectly fine to say you cannot the meeting because of a "previous commitment." So what if that previous commitment is the one weeknight you have decided to set aside for yourself. Nobody needs to know that but you. If you are a helpful type of person, it is difficult at first to say no. But once you practice it gets easier and easier. I promise. 
• A great way to commit to having less things in your life is to cut back on shopping. Before you purchase any item -- step back and consider if you are buying it because you really need it and it will be useful to you, or because it is a great sale and you might need it someday. Or you could find a use for it. The less things you buy, the more space you will have in your home and life. Once you start clearing out, you will want to protect the new white space in your home and the urge to buy "just because or just in case" will be gone. And this will save you a lot of money. And having more money makes you feel better. 

If you feel overwhelmed by trying to clear out some items (like the project is just too big) start with a small goal like filling a shopping bag with 10 things each weekend and bringing it right to the donation center. Or, start with saying no to just one type of commitment at a time -- the friends who need babysitters or the church committees or the PTO. Don't try to cut back on all of these engagements at once. Start with baby steps and once you see how your life is improving you'll feel encouraged to keep going. Little changes add up to big changes. Good Luck! 

Think About it Thursday: Raising Adults (not perpetual children)

As Eden gets closer to reaching double digits in age in a few months, I find myself questioning whether I am doing enough to help her grow up. To achieve independence. To be self-sufficient. To deal and cope. Thankfully, I still have many years ahead of me before she will be on her own; however, it's never too early to keep the focus on the fact that we are raising adults and not perpetual children.  

I'm currently reading Julie Lythcott-Haims' "How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare your Kid for Success." This book provides an in-your-face account of how helicopter parenting is stunting the growth of America. As a dean of freshman at Stanford University, Lythcott-Haims has a unique perspective on how young adults are arriving at college completely unprepared for independence. 

"I understand that the systematic problem of overparenting is rooted in our worries about the world and about how our children will be successful in it without us. Still, we're doing harm. For our kids' sakes, and also for our own, we need to stop parenting from fear and bring a more healthy -- a more wisely loving -- approach back into our communities, schools, and homes."

I find this article from Psychology Today on the lack of resilience in today's college students astounding. It details how these young adults are unable to deal with even the most basic problems because they've been so overscheduled their entire childhoods that they've never had a chance to "grow up." They were never given the chance to fail, never taught to cope. Author Peter Gray, Ph.D.,  notes: 

"I have described the dramatic decline, over the past few decades, in children’s opportunities to play, explore, and pursue their own interests away from adults. Among the consequences, I have argued, are well-documented increases in anxiety and depression, and decreases in the sense of control of their own lives. We have raised a generation of young people who have not been given the opportunity to learn how to solve their own problems. They have not been given the opportunity to get into trouble and find their own way out, to experience failure and realize they can survive it, to be called bad names by others and learn how to respond without adult intervention. So now, here’s what we have: Young people, 18 years and older, going to college still unable or unwilling to take responsibility for themselves, still feeling that if a problem arises they need an adult to solve it."

How do we stop this cycle? There are many easy-to-implement steps we can reinforce at any age to help our kids find their way to independence:

 1. Chores. Good old-fashioned chores. Make them do work around the house. Even when they complain.

2. Don't pay them. Make them work for free. Teach that not every effort is monetarily rewarded.

2. Make them responsible for their own homework. It's their homework. Not yours.

3. Repeat after me, "I will not bring the forgotten book report to school. I will not bring the forgotten book report to school." If they forget to pack something in their school bag, make them deal with the consequence.

4. Let them be disappointed. 

5. Let them realize the world does not revolve around them. 

6. Let them know their actions have consequences. 

7. Sometimes they will lose. They will not medal. They will not place. Give them a hug, acknowledge that disappointment hurts, but that it is a fact of life.

8. Let them take risks. And let them fail.

9. Let them fight their own battles. If they are having drama with a friend, let them work it out. Refrain from calling the other parent.

10. If your child is of working age, make them fill out the application, the tax paperwork, and keep track of their own schedule.

Start with baby steps and look for ways to increase responsibility. Because even though we'll never stop seeing our kids as the baby in the photo above, at some point we've got to stop treating them like wobbly toddlers and help them prepare for adulthood.