The 413 Mom

My Mom Wasn't This Stressed Monday: The Losada Line (When you need a do-over)

You know that stomach-sinking stress you feel when you lose it on your kids? When you'd give anything to take back the cutting words you just barked? Or the comment that embarrassed them in front of their friends? Basically, those moments that make you realize you actually are the Worst. Mom. Ever. 

Or how about when the kids fight with each other. When you pick on your spouse. When you get frustrated with your mom and you don't do such a good job of disguising it and you know you hurt her feelings?

That's when I take heart with the Losada line. That's the ratio we've all heard of that states that we need to have three positive feelings for each negative one experienced. As Christine Carter PhD states in her book "Raising Happiness":

"...to be really happy in life...we need to experience three or more positive feelings for every negative one. People whose ratios fall below 3:1 languish...[t]heir performance at work suffers, they are more likely to be depressed (and not recover), their marriages are more likely to fail -- and they definitely are not happy....

"Fortunately, something remarkable happens when our ratio of positive to negative feelings passes that 3:1 mark. We flourish."

"Researchers conclude that because negative emotions and experiences affect us more dramatically than positive ones do -- feelings of being frightened, for example, generally stay with us for much longer than having a good laugh -- we need to have more positive experiences and feelings to thrive."

I'm certainly not saying you can take your frustrations out on your kids and then give them three big hugs and consider the yelling wiped out. However, I am saying we can look at this research as the beginning of a do-over. That we're all going to make mistakes, but we don't have to look at the resulting damage as permanent. We need to apologize, forgive ourselves, and look for ways to repair the damage -- with positive interactions going forward. Losada gives us the guideline to rebuild. 

This ratio does not just work with our kids, of course -- but with our spouses, parents, siblings. It's a great lesson to impress on the kids when they fight with each other. If there are tears and hurt feelings, don't just make them say "sorry." Encourage them say sorry, share a hug, and then share three positive qualities they like in each other. Three reasons why they love each other. 

Wouldn't life be so much easier if we all followed this rule? With all of our relationships? Acknowledge that we are going to mess up, but don't hold onto the guilt. No sense in adding more dirty laundry to the stress pile when it is already heaping over. Remember the 3:1 rule and look for ways to hit the three, and avoid the one as much as possible. It's a chance to accept our shortcomings, work through them, and let go of some of the stress. 

 

 

My Mom Wasn't This Stressed Monday: Breaking Busy

Gah! I'm SO sick of the small talk about how "I'm so busy." It's like saying, "the sky is blue." Everyone is busy. Everyone talks about how busy they are. Busy is a complaint, an excuse, a way to be. I know my Mom wasn't this busy. What are we doing wrong? Aren't you sick of it too? Wouldn't you like to break up with busy?

I sure would. That's why I was jazzed to discover Linda Edgecombe's book "Breaking Busy: Finding Peace in the Chaos." It is full of practical advice on how to say no, change your thinking, and get more of what you want out of life. Instead of spending your life doing what everyone else wants you to do. 

She writes: In this "Busy Culture" we've created, we have left very little time to feel. Each day plays out like a racquetball game with us just responding to where the ball is hit. We don't actually have to feel anything; we just react. And every once in a while, when we do slow down long enough to allow some emotions to stir, we usually quickly distract ourselves from the discomfort of feeling. We turn on the TV, eat food and drink alcohol, use humor, do housework, or just work. This is not a judgement -- it's human behavior. It's just our survival defense mechanism kicking in. 

Although that rings true, it does not sound enjoyable at all. That does not sound like the adult life I was so excited to get to years ago. I remember thinking how adulting was going to be all about freedom. However, there are many days now when I never get to do any of the things I actually want to do. Of all the suggestions Edgecombe offers for how to "break up with busy" the one that most resonated with me was to prioritize the to-do list into more of a to-not-do list. 

She writes: What are you tolerating in your life...all the stuff on our plates to get done. When you look at all the "stuff" you "need to do," ask yourself: "Does this item/task energize me? Is it neutral to me, or is it an unergetic task? Does it burn me out?" Eliminate all the things that burn you out. Move towards those things that energize you and only do a few things that are neutral. 

I know. This sounds impossible. But just pick one tiny task that you hate to do. One that you've been bullied into saying "yes" to. Whether that bully was your own guilt, a committee member, or a person you were trying to impress. For me, I really didn't love answering the PTO's call for every event at my daughter's old school. Only to show up and realize every other mom had also answered the call and there was nothing left to do. I was definitely just tolerating these hours, because I felt like this is what a committed mom was supposed to do. If your heart is not in it, get out of it. What would happen if you just simply said, "I don't have time to do this anymore." Or, (gasp) "My heart is not in it. I don't want to do this anymore." (Or just started tossing the PTO notices in the recycling bin without returning the volunteer RSVP portion). 

Just start with one small item on your never-ending to do list and say "no." Or even, "no, thank you." Small steps add up to big steps. And you'll have taken the first step to breaking up with busy and getting your own life back. 

My Mom Wasn't This Stressed Monday - Let's Get Real

LOL! and LMFAO! I found this article from Fox News on why stress is taking a toll on moms and how to handle it to be a huge stress reliever. Because I laughed all the way through it. (Laughter, by the way, IS proven to be a stress reliever so give it a try).

Some riveting highlights (in italics):

Say no -- Easier said then done. The stress of planning to tell someone "no" is often more stressful than just baking the cupcakes or showing up at the meeting.

In reference to the professional world: Push back....telecommuting even one or two days a week can help -- Any WAHMs out there? Let's testify as to how much harder it is to telecommute with kids at home than it is to go into the office.

Eat healthy -- be sure to decide on your meals ahead of time, if possible, and always have healthy snacks on hand. I'm lucky to have a broken lollipop in the bottom of my purse, never mind "always having health snacks on hand." 

(Cue chiding voice meaning five hours isn't nearly enough) Sleep -- feel like a rockstar on 5 hours of sleep?  Yes! Yes, Ma'am! I would definitely feel like a rockstar if I could get five hours of sleep! All together. In one night.

Perhaps my favorite "tip": Get help -- Hire a babysitter so you can run errands: If I could afford to hire a babysitter just so I could run errands I wouldn't have any stress. 

Take a break -- establish an “independent hour,” every day. Sneak into another room to read, watch TV or meditate and have your kids play by themselves—no interruptions allowed. "Sneak into another room," "read," "watch TV" or "no interruptions allowed." I really can't decide which part of the preceding sentence is the funniest. None of them make any sense at all to me as a mom. 

The author's note at the end of the article claim the writer is a mom of two, but I'm really not so sure. All of these bits of wisdom sound like things I would tell myself before I had kids. When I would look at the moms in Target and wonder what the haze they were doing wrong cause their life looked ridiculous. But now I know better. It's not a ridiculous life it's just a #momlife. (And just for the record I never have had nor probably ever will have healthy snacks in my purse). So let's just keep laughing. 

Happy Monday! 

My Mom Wasn't This Stressed Monday: Weather

How and when did the weather become a stressor? I mean -- why stress about things you cannot change? I can't stand how we talk about a potential snow event six days before it even arrives. It may come, or it may go out to sea, or it might be just rain. UGH! As much of a weather bug as I am, I hate the fact that I can become preoccupied by the what-ifs of what-may-comes. I also hate feeling nervous about potential storms.

I can tell you exactly when my weather stress began -- June 1 tornado ring a bell for anyone? How about the October blackout? Ever since these severe weather events, I feel the need to be on high alert. To tune in every time I hear the weather drumbeat on the local news. Unnecessary. Totally unnecessary. It's not just me. Weather-related panic has become a "thing." How to get a handle on the hype?

A few good reads I've discovered:

This article from PsychCentral discusses "The Stress of Severe Weather" and how the constant weather alerts take a toll on your mind and body:

 To be fully prepared for the severe weather season, it is helpful to recognize a few different types of mental stress that can occur. First, there is anticipatory stress...When you have repeated alerts week after week or all night long, this can get exhausting. It is difficult and draining to pay so much attention to an impending threat. Even if nothing happens, eight hours of close calls can be nervewracking.

Another kind of severe weather stress is an acute experience. Your house gets hit by a tornado and you go into shock. Your town’s siren goes off, you dive to the basement, waiting in terror through the hailstorm and hoping you don’t hear the sounds of destruction over your head. 

So, weather-related stress is real, but what do we do about it? 

As always, you also have the choice to just tune out. As much as I'm fascinated by climate and weather changes, moon phases, and seasonal observations I just do not need weather updates every 15 minutes. I try to check the forecast once upon waking to see what type of outerwear the girls will need that day, and then try to only check back if I need to see if the radar is clear for the walk home from school or if I should go wait in the dreaded car line.

A friend of mine also recommended following Dave Hayes The Weather Nut from Western Mass Weather and I'm so glad I listened. No drama or panic here. Just a passionate, no nonsense, highly entertaining weather nut who offers solid advice. 

Psych Central also recommends doing whatever you can to help you feel prepared: 

Any kind of stress from severe weather season can become overwhelming. Getting yourself prepared can give you a better sense of control. Any control you have can help you stay calm in the moment of high drama.

Apparently there is something to being stocked with milk and bread. And having an emergency supply ready -- flashlights, batteries, canned goods, maybe a generator if that blackout was particularly haunting for you. Whatever makes you feel prepared will help you feel empowered.

Also, if you need a laugh cause your kids' school was cancelled and not just delayed today, this gawker.com post on "Snow Panic" puts it all in perspective. 

 

My Mom Wasn't This Stressed Monday: 50 Ways to Take a Break

Love these reminders for how to take a break from Karen Horneffer-Ginter's book "Full Cup, Thirsty Spirit" at fullcupthirstyspirit.com. So many good suggestions you can put into action whenever you feel mommy stress building up. Use the link to print your own copy. 

My Mom Wasn't This Stressed Monday: Preschool

I did the unthinkable last week. I signed Faith up at a preschool for the fall term on a whim. Well, not exactly a whim, but just based on the advice of a knowledgeable friend. No open house visits, no phone calls, no questions, no comparison charts, no intensive interviewing of other parents. I was just getting geared up to face the preschool inquisition head-on when I realized maybe it wasn't necessary. Maybe I could just take a seasoned-mom's advice and decide her decision was good enough for my kid too. 

When did preschool become such a monumental decision? I didn't even attend preschool and I turned out OK. But today it seems like if you don't find the perfect preschool for your baby, you'll be setting them up for failure. I'm pretty sure all preschools have similar story time, Play-doh sculpting, painting and playground time. As long as your child is safe, happy, and it's a good fit for your time and pocketbook I'm pretty sure the rest is gravy. A lot of the most recent research suggests a simple play-based preschool is the most beneficial, rather than an academic setting. 

A few links that support my hypothesis:

• Pitfalls to avoid when choosing from GreatSchools.org
• An interesting read on whether preschool is even necessary from Slate
• 6 Things you won't hear a preschool teacher say (but should) from Parents Magazine
• Why play is important in preschool classrooms from Parents Magazine

And now that our decision is made, I can spend the next few months enjoying the free time I have left with my youngest before we answer to the school bell. Instead of obsessing over the best fit I can be making new memories with her. Stress free. 

My Mom Wasn't This Stressed Monday

My Mom Wasn't This Stressed Monday: Exercise

Attempting the warped wall at Rugged Maniac keeps me motivated to exercise 10 minutes at a time.

I don't remember exercise ever being discussed by the adults in my life when I was growing up. It just wasn't a topic. Today, however, we can't get away from our need to exercise and the fact that it is so very hard to fit it into our daily lives.

The American Heart Association recommends achieving 150 minutes of moderate intensity exercise per week to improve and maintain cardiovascular health. They make it sound so easy, "Thirty minutes a day, five times a week is an easy goal to remember." Easy to remember, not to implement. However, I do find it encouraging that in order to benefit from exercise, it does not have to be 30 minutes at a time: "You will also experience benefits even if you divide your time into two or three segments of 10 to 15 minutes per day." Sweet! Ten minutes at a time -- I can do that!

Some ways to collect 150 minutes per week, 10 minutes at a time without costing a dime:

• Just walk. Around the block, around they yard, once around the mall. 
• Do jumping jacks, crunches or push ups during TV commercials. 
• Do some squats or lunges around the kitchen while cooking dinner. 
• Play with the kids: tag, practice soccer, shoot some hoops, jump rope, have a dance party, even tossing a ball is going to get you moving.
• Use the kids' practice time to practice for yourself: walk or run laps around the soccer field, the plaza where dance class is held, the neighborhood outside the karate studio.
• Take the stairs or elevator. Every time.
• Take the parking spot farthest from the door. Every time.
• Use this link from Fitness Magazine to discover 10 minute workout routines you can do at home. 
• Check out the Jessica Smith You Tube Channel for tons of great total body workouts you can do in about 10 minutes or less. 

And even if 10 minutes at a time seems intimidating (and I know exactly how that goes -- when I started running I couldn't even make it to the stop sign at the end of my street) I love what the AHA has to say about getting started with exercise:

"Something is always better than nothing! And everyone has to start somewhere. Even if you've been sedentary for years, today is the day you can begin to make healthy changes in your life. If you don't think you'll make it for 30 or 40 minutes, set a reachable goal for today. You can work up toward your overall goal by increasing your time as you get stronger. Don't let all-or-nothing thinking rob you of doing what you can every day."

Now, if somebody could just tell me what to do with all the leftover Christmas cookies....

My Mom Wasn't This Stressed Monday: Christmas Craziness

It's here! It's here! The most wonderful time of the year! But how to keep it wonderful and not fall for all the trappings of stress that can accompany the Christmas season? 

As always, there are two words to keep in mind, "no," and "less."

Step 1: If somebody makes a request of you that does not make you feel holly jolly --if you just cannot fit it into your already busy month without causing stress, just say, "no, thank you."

Step 2: Go take down your December calendar page and write "LESS" across the top in red Sharpie. See if there are any commitments you can cross off the list for the month. That goes for social events, kids' practice sessions and lessons, and holiday functions that are not your family's favorite. What's really going to happen if you don't participate? Probably nothing. Except a quiet evening at home watching Rudolph with the kids. You've got to be a little more selfish with your calendar in order to enjoy the brief season even more. 

Some helpful reminders to enjoy the season more with less stress:

Simple Christmas - How to Have More with Less at Christmas by Living on a Dime

Don’t commit to do too many things. One or two Christmas parties during the holiday season will make you get all tingly in that “It’s a Wonderful Life” kind of way...This also applies to all of those appealing looking activities around town like...Christmas celebrations at the zoo or winter carnivals. One or two simple Christmas activities can be a lot of fun, but too many will ruin the fun.

Stress Less This Christmas by Lightwords

Approach Christmas shopping with a peaceful attitude. Make a commitment to stay calm and unflustered even if the people around you are rushing. Make it easier on yourself: Purchase simpler and fewer gifts; limit the number of social engagements that you attend so that you don’t over-commit yourself.

 10 Steps to a Less Stressful Holiday from Parents Magazine

Check your greeting-card pulse. If you love sending cards, there are some ways to make it more manageable. Start by asking yourself what holiday cards mean to you. Are they your way of keeping in touch when you've been out of contact? Then you can cut down by not sending to people you see all the time. Or you might want to reverse the process and send cards only to family and close friends. Don't get caught in the reciprocity trap. The key to making your life easier is to cross guilt off your list. If you've got hundreds of cards to send, consider preprinted ones. Next, automate. [Have] your children...help out. Have them address envelopes and stick on stamps. 

Three Steps to a Simplified Holiday from Be More With Less

Decorate Less. Easier said than done for some, but by making the decision to decorate fewer parts of your home, or to put up fewer decorations than normal, you’ll simplify your holiday almost instantly. Donate the supplies you don’t use, and you’ll be storing less, dusting less, and packing/unpacking less each year!

Wishing you a beautiful holiday season!

My Mom Wasn't This Stressed Monday: Thanksgiving

 

So I lied a little in the title. My mom was stressed about Thanksgiving. Who doesn't stress about putting on "the meal" of the year? It's a lot of work, a lot of pressure, a lot of expectation. But don't let the "what ifs" and the to-do lists rob you of enjoying a special day with family. 

• As long as there is no junk on the couch, visible laundry, or stains in the bathroom your house is clean enough. If your guests had perfect homes of their own, they wouldn't be escaping to your place on Thanksgiving. Do a little light housekeeping and call "good enough."
• Clean out the fridge between now and Wednesday. Eat up the leftovers, finish up the nearly-empty juice bottles, and throw the sketchy pickles. Make room for the meal prep items and leftovers you will need to put in there on Thursday. 
• Nobody wants a centerpiece on the table. There, I said it. They take up too much room and get in the way of conversations. One thing off the to-do list.
• Don't worry about fancy new recipes. Everybody loves the traditional foods on Thanksgiving. Take the easy path and make the old standbys that everyone enjoys.
• Check out these Thanksgiving printables to keep the kids busy while you prepare the feast. I always use the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade as a distraction and try to get as much done as possible while it's on. 
• Skip the appetizers. Less shopping, less mess, less dishes, and lets everybody focus on the main meal.
• Or, skip the whole feast thing and serve toast, jelly beans and popcorn. (It worked for Snoopy!)
• If your turkey or pie blurps all over the bottom of the oven, cover the mess with a large pour of salt. It will make for easier cleanup once you can get to it. 
• When somebody offers to do the dishes, say "YES!" 

Wishing you and yours a beautiful, low-stress (I'm not going to be a hypocrite and say stress-free) Thanksgiving!